im six kinds of drunk right now
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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