I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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