i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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