i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
