every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
