He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
