I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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