i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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