hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
