Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
