I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
This toilet bowl is my home.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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