Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
