The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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