if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
