I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
