I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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