I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
