It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
