Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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