I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
