he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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