I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
