If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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