After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
