Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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