Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
