Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
So many bounce houses so little time
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
