his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
