and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
