my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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