Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
