If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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