I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
