we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
