if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
