it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Operation Purity has been aborted
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
