the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
