Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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