this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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