i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
