Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
