Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
