Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
