I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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