I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
