I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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