So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
