A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
