my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
