I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
