i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My life is pants optional.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
